Okay, I might be wrong. I often am. I once explained a plot twist from a movie I had not finished, so please manage expectations.

But hear me out.

First of all, journalism is like chess.

and Epstein files are like… a megaton checkers bomb… pure fucking chaos requiring the expertise of a chess player to unravel it.

So when those files start creeping back into public consciousness, the kind of thing that makes people go “wait… why does this connect to everyone?” You put your big girl pants on, cause now, we got some following up to do! Right? NO!

What Susie did was release a very serious, very polished Vanity Fair piece. Written in a font that says, “Adults are handling this, please unclench.”

What Susie Wildes did wasn’t burying anything. It was to absorb the impact. Like an airbag. So no one flies through the windshield of accountability, by asking uncomfortable questions at 11pm on a Tuesday.

She fed you scandal so you feel informed and not out of a sardine can, out of a caviar tin-Vanity Fair.

Not enough scandal so you open a second tab, to make sense of all this chaos, and you fell for it like, “Wow, this might be hard-hitting journalism.” -This piece is straight bullshit.

Meanwhile I’m on my couch with an open can of sardines, just trying to make it through the week, thinking, this feels like being gently told to calm down- I’m having sardines for dinner, what do you mean calm down?

This isn’t new, by the way. This is old-school. Reagan era. Pre-internet. Back when narrative control came with a handshake, and men explained things with absolute confidence, the kind of confidence that reminds you: every hand you’ve ever shaken, has held a dick in it, at some point. Susie, would you be a dear and hand me a wipe? You’re so efficient when it’s time to clean up.

Susie Wildes didn’t invent spin. She just knows how to turn the volume down slowly so nobody notices. Because muting it looks suspicious. Lowering it feels responsible. Mature. Grown-up. All things I am not.

This whole piece reads like something she sent to a very specific group chat -“Signal” Oops! my bad wrong scandal.

Anyway, this is one of those “okay hear me out” messages that feels smart at the time, gets a couple 👍 reactions… and then three hours later Susie’s staring at the ceiling like, I should not have sent that.

It’s not a hit piece.

It’s giving Frau Farbissina–level chaos: screaming “RELEASE THE FILES!” with Trump’s pinky raised, demanding $230 million for wrongful conviction on one of his 32 indictments- Yikes! So yes, that’s basically Susie hitting send on this piece. That’s the only hit that’s occurred. Stop it Susie!

So, that’s my take as someone who doesn’t work in media, has zero insider info, and once watched a situation implode and didn’t do anything to fix it. Basically, I’m the calm in everyone else’s chaos or vice versa.

Happy to be wrong. But I’m probably a little right. Right??